Why I Choose to be Alone, Life of an Introvert

By Warren Wong

Do you feel lonely or are you just alone? This is a question that I’ve wrestled with for a long time. You see, I’m an introvert. And for many years I felt ashamed to be an introvert. It felt like a dirty word, like there was something wrong with me. Aren’t I supposed to always want to socialize and generally be a high energy person to be around? 

That’s what society expects. Being an introvert in an extroverted world is tough, but that doesn’t mean I’m lonely. I love my alone time.

Alone versus Loneliness

The difference between being alone and lonely is a fine line. Being alone is being with oneself. Spending time with oneself and enjoying your own company is actually a fine life skill to have. As Blaise Pascal said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” 

Being alone can be regenerative. I like to be with myself and my thoughts. I like to ruminate, and daydream. It’s a part of my routine. It leaves me energized. So when I venture out into the world, I’m excited to engage with the world.

Being lonely is different. It’s wanting to be with other people, but unable to do so. Whether that’s because of a lack of social skills, physical location, or unable to connect on a deeper human level with others.

Loneliness Epidemic

One of the surprising things of our modern era is the loneliness epidemic. Seemingly rich countries, with all the accouterments that make up a “luxurious” life, yet it appears that more and more people are turning to drugs, alcohol, and all forms of addictions in order to numb themselves from everyday life. How could this be?

Where did we go wrong? With all the trappings of success of a rich and developed nation, how is it possible that we’re more lonely and depressed than ever? I believe it has to do with culture. A culture of hyper individualism, the breakdown of traditional family structure, and the ease of cheap dopamine. 

“Back in the day”, we had third spaces, a place that isn’t work or home where we can talk and socialize with friends and strangers. Maybe there was a shared activity or catching up on gossip. There are less and less third spaces, and the increase in people moving to big cities at alarming rates is leaving many of us surrounded by people, yet more lonely than ever. 

The pervasiveness of the internet, social media, and screens aren’t helping either. Instead of physically going out into the world, we’re behind screens all day. We’re living for a cheap dopamine rush, from the chime of notifications, to a constantly fragmented human experience from interrupted moments with friends and family. 

If we’re ever able to put our phones down and engage with the world around us, maybe that could help our problem with loneliness. Just maybe.

Life as an Introvert and Socializing

As an introvert I’ve learned a lot about myself and my own “needs” for socializing. On some days I’m perfectly fine having minimal contact with people, as I enjoy working on creative pursuits, books, short walks, and the like. 

However, on other days, especially if I’ve gone too long without seeing friends or family, I do have a pull to socialize. Although only for a limited amount of time and with people that I enjoy spending time and chatting with. 

Finding a sweet spot has taken a decade. There was an evolution from thinking I wasn’t an introvert, just shy, to a time when I forced myself to attend as many social gatherings in order to put my “introverted” self behind me, to full acceptance of my introverted self.

Life as an introvert is like trying to find a semblance of balance juggling societal expectations and one’s need for friendship. An introvert can love one’s alone time too much. To the point of never even leaving their homes. I don’t imagine that to be healthy for one’s own psyche.

How to Disconnect and Reconnect

I don’t believe for a second that disconnecting is easy. If it were so, we wouldn’t be so addicted to our phones and the constant barrage of dings and chimes. Though I do believe that it can be very rewarding if we consciously choose to disconnect with the electronic world and reconnect with the physical.

As an introvert I’ve wrestled with balance. Sometimes I force myself to socialize and it ends up being too much. Other times I find myself loving my own company so much that it’s been a few days since I’ve had any meaningful human contact. Can anyone relate?

In my own quest to find balance I’ve realized 2 things. The first is that we all need to socialize, and the second is figuring out how much is right for you.

In order to disconnect I employ a few tactics that have helped me over the years. I break them into 3 social buckets, family, friends, and hobbies. At any given time I try to make sure all 3 are not running on low. 

Spending time with family is usually good, but can also be contentious and stressful depending on our temperament and those of our family. Over the years I developed a balance of how much time to spend with them, with knowing that time with my parents is finite. 

Spending time with old friends is lovely, as conversations are easily picked up. However, as young adults with busy lives, it can be hard to schedule at times. I get the feeling that most of my cohorts are focused on career and chasing money, with relationships falling lower on the priority list.

The last bucket is hobbies. Ideally as an introvert, it’s an activity that doesn’t require too much socializing, like a sport. It’s great to be able to work as a team and get exercise without too much “small talk”. Recently I’ve picked up Pickleball and Salsa which hit those wickets.

I try to keep all three buckets from running too low as each fulfills a different need. If at any time one gets too low and is neglected, I can’t help but feel as if something is missing. To make sure I don’t go overboard as was the case so many times, I am selective with who I spend time with. I find it easier to say no to things that don’t bring me joy or excitement. Life’s too short for anything otherwise. 

I try to keep myself away from technology as best I can. As an introvert the internet can be a marvelous place. It can be easy to try and substitute real world engagement with internet friends and community. However, I notice that I don’t get the same level of connection or intimacy from being online. 

The times I spend too much time online is when I am bored. Surfing the web is just another way to kill time. Keeping my social buckets filled usually kills enough time to keep me disconnected from the internet and connected to the people I care about most. 

Conclusion

Life as an introvert can be tricky. I’ve wrestled with wondering if I’m lonely or just love being alone. I’ve come to the conclusion that being alone is perfectly fine. Everyone enjoys a different pace of life. And that’s ok.