Am I Turning Into Just Like My Parents

By Warren Wong

We don’t get to choose our parents. Out of the millions of possibilities, we’re stuck with the ones we have. And that can be frustrating or a blessing, depending on how you look at it. There was a big part of me that hated the feelings associated with being misunderstood by my parents. It was as if the people that were supposed to know me best weren’t privy to the mix bag of emotions that ravaged my teens and 20s.

Growing up I couldn’t exactly describe my relationship with my parents as carefree. There was an expectation that I fulfilled my role as a child and they did theirs as the parents. However, I couldn’t exactly say I knew what my role was as a child, nor could I, as a young age. So, I looked towards my parents as an example.

The Role Model

As a child I looked towards my parents for everything. They were my world. They fed me, told me where to be, and disciplined me when I got out of hand. I can’t help but feel that I fulfilled my part in this basic relationship, and they did theirs.

Yet, I felt that there was more to it. But, as I looked towards my parents for everything they quickly became my role model. Monkey see, monkey do. 

Parents have such an immense power in a child’s world. And it may be stating the obvious, but I think a healthy reminder is good. Children watch everything you do and fail to do, and they imitate that, whether that’s good or bad. If you’re a healthy family, those habits tend to rub onto the children. If there is an unhealthy relationship with emotions and how they are handled, your children will also pick that up. 

I felt that acutely in my childhood, and it was only more obvious as I grew older after doing a lot of self work and healing. I would be the first to admit that my relationship with my parents isn’t perfect and never will be. It has gone through ups and downs over the years, but I feel happy with where I am at today. All that to say, I realize my parents are imperfect beings with their own baggage. 

The Sins of the Parents

I went through a phase where I blamed my parents for everything wrong in my life. I was so trapped in my own world that I failed to see anything outside of it. One thing I didn’t realize was that my parents were doing this for the first time. They didn’t have the necessary experience to do all the right things, nor could they. 

They were doing the best they could with what they knew. It was that realization that helped me get past some of my own misgivings and began my healing journey. I think a lot of times when we blame others for the things going wrong in our lives we rob ourselves of the ability to heal. 

By being honest with myself, I finally started building the tools I needed to deal with my unresolved traumas. I call them the sins of the parents, but in reality everyone has them, and if we decide to become parents ourselves, we bring that baggage into our next relationship, the one with our children.

If only we could all be perfect. We’re healthy, physically and emotionally, have a war chest of tools to deal with past traumas, and navigate tricky relationship challenges. But, life isn’t perfect like that. We have commitments, people, and chores all vying for our time and energy.

As children, there’s not a lot of say in how our parents parent us. We aren’t adults yet, and we don’t have a ton of agency. But, that doesn’t mean we’re helpless. As we experience and understand the world and parents better with age and experience, we realize they’re imperfect humans, just like us.

As adult children that is where our agency comes in. We get to choose how to respond. Do we forgive the sins of our parents or do we hold a grudge? This was the turning point in my relationship journey with my parents. I realized that I could blame my parents for the rest of my life or I could empathize and label them as the imperfect humans they were. The latter empowered me to take control of my life. 

Parents to Child

There is often a mismatch in parent child relationships. Whether that’s parent’s expecting their children to be able to regulate their own emotions or unrealistic educational success. I believe many parents have a misguided notion that one’s children should be better off in all ways than the parents, in all aspects. Whether that manifests in more gifts under the Christmas tree than they had growing up or grooming their children to manifest their own unfulfilled aspirations. 

As a child, I hope parents and would-be parents realize that their children have their own wants and dreams, which often don’t align with theirs at all. Parents, who are a product of their own lived experiences often project onto their children their own insecurities and traumas, which are often disguised as, “I just want what’s best for you.” 

I don’t think parents intentionally harm their children. They often have these lofty dreams for them. However, they fail to stop and ask if that’s what they want. No pressure, no gimmicks, just a healthy conversation with their children on their fears, passions, and dreams. I’d reckon that’s pretty rare.

A lot of parents fall into this trap of expecting their children to have it together at such a young age. It’s like they forgot how they were at that age. They too, were young, dumb, and reckless, yet, just because they’re the parents now, they expect their children to act a certain way when they themselves had to learn it with experience. 

I’m not advocating for parents to allow their children to do anything their hearts desire. But, I’m asking for empathy and to open their eyes to the fact that children need to make their own mistakes and sometimes life lessons must be learned the hard way, as you probably already know. Parents can’t protect their children from all the bad things in the world, so the next best thing is to prepare them to face it. 

A Message to Parents

Perhaps it’s the letter I’d love to have written for my parents or just a general public service announcement, but this is what I would say.

I know there is a deep well of love in your hearts for my brother and I, and we’ll forever be those little babies upon first return from the hospital. But, somewhere between the years that have gone by and our own lived experiences we’re full grown adults now. We have our own experiences, gone through our fair share of heart breaks, and still figuring out this thing called life, as are you. 

As much as you want to protect and shelter us from the world, you can’t because you will not be here forever. We need to develop our own calluses and thick skin for ourselves. Prepare us for the world, but don’t force your own desires and experiences onto us. Give us the tools to face the world, but let us choose for ourselves. 

Think of your parents. What did they do that drove you crazy? What did you wish they understood being their child? What would you do differently, now that you’re a parent? Empathy and awareness not only makes us better parents, but better human beings. 

A Message to the Children 

As a long time child, I’m still learning the ins and outs of this job. There’s no frequently asked questions section, nor a manual on how to deal with parents. You’re just expected to show up and know how things work. Well, it’s not that simple.

Parents are a tricky bunch, they’re usually first timers who are bumbling through the “How to Raise a Child” manual as well. They’re also expected to just figure it out and know how to deal with the twists and turns in a never ending saga of raising successful, well-adjusted children to adulthood.

Far too many parents were never ready to be parents at all, but whoever is? To a certain degree, none of us will come out of “childhood” unscathed without a few neuroses or a certain degree of trauma as souvenirs.

Parents tend to drive us crazy, but they want the best for us. Though the thing is, they’re a product of their own lived experiences. They have their own baggage. Their own traumas. And they are still figuring out their own lives too. They’re far from perfect. Their own lived experiences tend to influence the way they raise us. 

If they grew up poor and frugal the way they view money may be passed onto you, whether that’s limiting beliefs or a negative mindset. If they were traumatized by a broken household growing up, they may pass on some of those same tendencies to you. 

Our parents’ words and actions have extra power over us. It’s quite natural to care what they think, to please them, and to seek their approval. However, that isn’t a reason to make poor decisions. You must think for yourself. The person who knows you best, is you. No one spends as much time with you as you. And only you have access to your thoughts, emotions, and aspirations 24/7. No one else.  

It is with this awareness that we can find a little bit of solace. Our parents will be our parents no matter what. With all their warts and all. Maybe it’s maturity, or maybe it just comes with age. Ultimately, it must be you who finds solace with the life you choose. No one else. 

Conclusion

If it were only so easy. Simple, but never easy. It may take a lifetime to figure things out, but it doesn’t mean to not try. Being a parent or a child is just another part of life with rough moments overlapped with ones of happiness. 

A parent holding a newborn’s head, rocking them to sleep. The late nights spent worrying about their child’s first day at school. The proud eyes of your parents as you walk down the stage at graduation. These are the moments that make it all worth it.

Yet, there are also painful moments. Fundamental differences in lifestyle, beliefs, or values can strain our relationship with our parents, but that’s not an excuse to not try.

It is our responsibility to work on and heal our traumas whether that’s to be a well adjusted adult or not to pass it onto our children.