I have a big ego

The idea for this article came to me a few weeks ago when I was out on a summer evening walk. I had decided a week earlier to take on a new habit of walking more, both to recharge and to think. The sun was just beginning to set. Today I decided to phone my brother, Wilson.

Ego hurts relationships

Speaking to my brother on a regular basis has been a vast improvement in our tenuous relationship in the past decade.

Growing up in Corona, NY our traditional Asian family was difficult for us both. Each of us had our own path, seemingly pointing in opposite directions.

We have both reached a point in our lives where we are truly “adults”, and moved out of our childhood home, it seemed odd that we begun to rely more on each more and more.

We both knew that we had to make our relationship work, so we tried putting our differences aside.

Gradually, we got into less petty arguments, whose right and who’s wrong, and long winded debates to prove each others intellectual dominance.

Yes, we are that nerdy.

It was a year ago that we started getting into a habit of phoning each other out of necessity.

We were on the other sides of the United States, he was living his life in Nashville, establishing his new career and I was in Southern California working, traveling, and doing my own thing. We both needed someone to lean on and also to vent to.

Don’t let your ego win

As I’m strolling down the orange sunset basked street blocks and palm trees the pieces of the puzzle started coming together. It was as if God had granted me a stroke of wisdom or at least that’s what I tell myself.

What I had always attributed to my sense of being right and being the one who could say, “hah, I told you so,” I also realized that it was my downfall.  Let me explain.

Growing up with my mother was rocky. She is for all intensive purposes, very “strong willed” and my brother and I are very opinionated.

As you can see, this wasn’t a recipe for a cozy mother and son tea party.

There seemed like a endless stream of arguments between my mother and I, my brother and I and my brother and mother. On rare occasion, all 3 of us. My father stayed like Switzerland, neutral.

Of course, this came up as a topic of discussion between my brother and I. We both wondered why we always got into arguments with “her”, where any seemingly harmless conversation led to hurt feelings and things said that we’d regret later.

It seemed to get better over time. Once we both moved out of the house our time with our mother became more limited, and thus more precious.

The little time that we had we tried our best to avoid arguments, but that wasn’t the best solution.

It left things unsaid, emotions left to fester.

Eureka moment

What were we doing wrong? Does it get better?

As my brother and I were left pondering this seemingly life’s mystery, I posed a question, “what is making you continue to argue with mom in the heat of the moment?”

As I asked him that question, it was also indirectly to myself.

I truly wanted to know. As I walked past a man sanding his car lights on the front garage of his house and a lady holding her white furry cat, it slowly dawned on me. It was me.

I was the one who didn’t want to be wrong. I was the one who was always trying to prove or debate why I was correct. It was a false sense of confidence, stemming from my overinflated ego.

What your ego makes you do

I always dismissed her opinions and statements prior to giving them a good once over. I couldn’t stand the idea of being wrong, to be open to new ideas, to contradict what I had always known to be true.

Rooted deep down in my psyche, I was fragile, I was unwilling to change and my mother was the one person who genuinely cared for me.

She wanted me to get 8 hours of sleep, exercise more, and take school more seriously.

All of these things went in one ear and out the other. Why? It was because of a innate bias to be right.

Deep inside of me I didn’t want to be vulnerable, to be open to new ideas, to be challenged.

I was afraid that I would be found a fraud, that I was possibly lazy, inattentive and just wasn’t a good student or son for that matter.

My head was swimming. I didn’t expect such a breakthrough over a evening stroll down the block.

The question you need to ask yourself

“Wilson, I’ve figured it out,” I said so excited I could barely control the sound of my voice, “What’s more important to you, being right or a healthy relationship?”

It was a rhetorical question, the right answer would be a healthy relationship, but the right answer isn’t necessarily reality when we are in the heat of the moment.

I have a big ego, but it can be managed. Being self-aware would be my first step. Mending my relationships would be second.

Wilson paused to think before he answered, “I guess having a healthy relationship, but I also love being right!”

“I know, but at the end of the day when all is said and done, who cares whose right?” I asked. “Being right isn’t worth your relationship, does it?”

“I guess if you put it like that, then it’s an easy answer,” Wilson relented.

Conclusion

Your ego is your worst enemy. If you give in to your ego, and your sense of being “right”, it will cost you your relationships. 

Most times the easy answer isn’t actually easy. Sometimes your ego won’t allow you to think rationally. It won’t let you be “wrong”.

I found myself in many of these situations over the years. I was too stubborn to admit that I was wrong. I didn’t want to apologize and incapable of saying sorry. I rather avoid the uncomfortable conversations than saying I was sorry. What was left unsaid caused bitter feelings, ruined relationships and regrets.

My goal this year is to hear people out. I don’t want to ruin my relationships with good friends and family just because I have a big ego.

If I want to be a better and more well rounded person, I’m going to have to tame my ego because it can and will lead to my downfall.

Question for you

When was a time when your ego got the best of you? Did it cost you a relationship?