Help! My Parents Are Driving Me Crazy, Why Won’t They Leave Me Alone?

By Warren Wong

So your parents are driving you crazy? You’re in good company. Ever notice how your parents complain how the “kids” in your generation are too soft? And then if you dig deeper, you notice that your grandparents said the same thing about your parents. And the cycle goes on and on. So is there any basis in that argument or do we just like to complain?

Disclaimer, I am not a parent. I’ve always found parenting fascinating. My own parents are not without their flaws. They also have many endearing qualities about them. They are hardworking, humble, and thoughtful folks. Yet, they also have their flaws, they are not perfect, and they have their own experiences and yes, baggage.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, and my relationship with them is at its best it’s ever been, although it wasn’t always this way.

Before I dive into why I think you should take what they tell you with a grain of salt, I want to let you in on a little secret. Ready? Your parents are decent human beings trying to do the best they can with what they have and know, just like you.

Except, they lived a life that you haven’t lived yet.

There are decades of experiences that your parents have and that you don’t. And whether that’s good or bad, it’s not for us to decide. It’s being aware of this gap that allows you to realize that your parent’s experiences in life may be very different from yours.

With that point in mind, let’s talk about pressure.

Related post: Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Your Parents

The Pressure from Parents

Parents pressure their kids, a lot. Whether it is directly or indirect, through passing remarks, or playful jokes, it still stings, brings about guilt, and shame, and kids take it to heart. I have more often than not been on the other side of a snide remark or an all in good fun “joke”. I still remember them like it was yesterday.

Parents want their kids to be better off than them. They may be 20 years older than you, but they expect you to not make the same mistakes they made when they were your age. As if they expect you to just “figure it out” when they themselves haven’t.

Check out this post on parents and the question of “What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up”.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your children to be better than you, but there is a fine balance to the madness. When your mother expects you to “figure” out your life at 23, when she herself didn’t do so until she was older and more wise, that’s a bit unfair And what’s to say your parents even have their lives sorted out, because they don’t! They just hide it better than you.

Finding out that your parents are flawed humans, just like you is one of the beautiful parts of parent and child relationships. I’m at that age where I am confident in the person I am, and who I am not. When my parents want me to do something, I listen to them respectfully, think it over, and politely say no, if that’s not who I am. Well, sometimes I do get mad, but that’s normal!

P.S. Your parents will always see you as a kid, no matter if you’re 17, 26, or 55. Especially your mom.

Navigating the pressure from your parents is hard, but it can be done.

Experiences of Your Parents

I’d just like to say this over and over again. Your parent’s experiences do not and should not dictate how you should live your life. I know, I know, for all you parents out there hooting and hollering, simmer down and let me explain.

A parent’s experiences will undoubtedly create biases for how they raise their children. If you grew up in the Great Depression, you would more likely raise a frugal household. If you were a victim to the Great Recession of 2008, you may urge your children to forgo more “artistic” careers and focus on a stable well paying career. This is just how we are wired and sometimes parents are liable to give into our own biases and ways of thinking, without knowing how we are affecting our kids.

So for the parents out there, please keep in mind that your children may be living in a time that is dramatically different from yours, growing up with virtual reality, self cleaning toilets, and electric vehicles, as their norm. And for the children out there, your parents are teaching you what they know the best they can. Just make sure you’re aware of where they are coming from, and make your own decisions. It doesn’t hurt to ask them what they think too.

I Want to Make my own Mistakes, Mom!

Have your parents ever told you that they don’t want you to make the same mistakes as they did? Well, at this point in my life, I’ve heard it too many times to count. Are mistakes so bad that we should avoid them altogether? Well, as with anything important, it depends.

On the one hand mistakes teach valuable lessons. And on the other hand, mistakes can sometimes set us back or even worse, prove unfixable. I’m not suggesting that we should make the mistakes of drinking and driving or abuse of drugs, but sometimes small mistakes can be beneficial.

Without making mistakes you don’t know who you are, and what you’re capable of. If we’re so shielded from mistakes, we won’t know how to face the failure we will all experience in life, you can’t escape it.

Perhaps, I have qualms with helicopter parents, as they are endearingly called. You can imagine parents who are always fussing over your grades, what you’re eating, who you’re hanging out with, and if you’re getting married yet. They also are worried that the wrestling team is too rough or the little scuff you had with the neighborhood kids. If you’re too protective of your kids, then they won’t know how to do anything.

An Easy Life

Adversity breeds success. When I think of helicopter parents, I think of an easy life for their children. Sounds great on paper, but does it translate to what’s best for them? Doing hard things increases long term performance. I wrote about it in this article here.

I am not saying that everything has to be hard and difficult, but if you protect your children from the big bad world, they will turn into a blob of goo at the first obstacle they face as an adult. Falling and scraping your knees hurts. Losing the little league soccer game doesn’t feel good. And getting wailed on by the schoolyard bully is horrible.

However, they teach valuable lessons. It’s a great time to teach that sometimes you try your hardest and you don’t win, and that it’s ok, as long as you tried your best. It’s also a good time to learn how to fight back and stand up for yourself, because the real world has bullies too.

I don’t think parents can protect their children against every bad thing out there. It’s impossible, and the ones that try, often are the ones that hinder their children’s long term growth the most.

The Greatest Generation

The generation who fought during World War II have been called the Greatest Generation. They have become presidents, authors, business leaders, and social activists. Were they any different from any other generation or were they forced to step up and make hard choices? I would not dare discredit the legacy the Greatest Generation have created, but from an objective point of view, any generation can become the greatest generation.

Our generation has been marked with the technological revolution and that has changed many things, but that doesn’t mean that things are easier or harder. You can point and  say that depression, suicide, and student debt are at all time highs are reasons that we’re doing it all wrong, but its not that simple.

Every generation will have its difficulties and it is all relative. So it’s not that the previous generation was so much better than ours, but that things change and the goal post has changed.

Conclusion

So in response to that person on Quora who asked “Help! My parents are driving me crazy, why won’t my parents leave me alone?”. It’s because your parents love you. Parents want the best for their children, but they aren’t perfect. They have their own experiences, baggage, and problems they are still figuring out.

As you go on in life, you’ll see very clearly just how human your parents are. They aren’t the demigods that we thought they were when we were still in diapers. They have wrinkles, they forget things, they don’t know how to just be a friend. And in all their glory, they still love us.

So, stay calm and give them a hug. They deserve it. And never forget that they are a product of their own experiences and that we must forge our own. You are not beholden to your parents. Take their advice with a grain of salt, and go forth and do wonderful things.