Why You Shouldn’t Care What Your Parents Think

By Warren Wong

“Make your parents proud.” I’ve heard of that one before. These 4 words are thrown around a lot. I say, no. I say, make yourself proud.

I love my parents, but they are a product of their own experiences and environment. You have your own experiences, wants, and needs which may totally be different theirs. And I’m here to tell you that its totally okay.

parent son sunset

As I was growing up, my aunts, and uncles would come over for family meals, birthdays, and holidays. Inevitably, the topic of how the children are doing would come up.

It was usually the grown ups discussing how their children were. A lot of the time it was boasting of what Johnny did in school, how Suzy won the spelling bee or how Andrew got into Harvard.

Seemingly harmless conversations, but not really.

Related post: What do YOU Want to be When you Grow Up?

Parents want the best for you, but is it what YOU want?

My brother and I didn’t know it at the time, but there was both a psychological and societal pressure that was placed on us at a very young age.

Children and especially teenagers, are impressionable, and what our parents say or don’t say matter.

I come from a Chinese ethnic background. I know what you’re thinking. Straight A’s, prep schools, piano lessons, and the like.

Well, I hate to be the stereotype, but pretty much all of the above is accurate. I did get straight A’s and I did go to prep schools during the summers and weekends, against my will of course.

However, I didn’t play the piano. Luckily I wasn’t musically talented whatsoever, but that didn’t get me out of the swim team. Another extracurricular that was meant for my “benefit”.

In Asian households parents like to compare children with those of their friends or relatives. My parents weren’t unsympathetic to let you know how you fared.

“Did you know that Andrew got into Harvard?”, my mother asked. “Suzy didn’t get Bs in AP Calculus. Johnny won first in states.” Some parents are more subtle. You mileage may vary. These are some of my conversations with my mother.

As an impressionable and sensitive teenager I took a lot of those words to heart. I was not immune to them. Like most teenagers we wanted to win our parents approval and adoration. Is that so much to ask for?

As I grew older the playing field evened. Firstly, I was accepted into Stuyvesant High School, a prestigious public high school in Manhattan, New York. But that small win quickly evaporated. In high school, I quickly realized that I wasn’t that athletic, I wasn’t that smart, and wasn’t that cool. I began telling myself that I just wasn’t good enough.

I hit a low point in my life.

sunset with a man in the background

Caring what your parents think can have ill intended consequences.

My teenage years weren’t that different than my peers. I had my doubts, insecurities, dreams and failures. I cared a lot of what my parents thought even though I would never let them know that, but I did and still do. I think its a pretty natural thing as children to seek the approval of their parents.

I wanted my mom to be able to boast to her friends and sisters that her son was amazing. I wanted my dad to boast at family dinners that his son was a great swimmer. Secretly, I wanted all these things, but somehow I always fell short. I didn’t make the high school swim team and I didn’t get those straight A’s anymore.

I internalized that I was a failure. I thought it was a “me” problem, but that’s where I fucked up.

We all do it in some form or another. We compare. Whether it is brought on by our parents, our friends, or co-workers or maybe its’ even people you don’t even know.

Society perpetuates stereotypes

We live in a society that is focused on the highlight reel. We’re constantly comparing, focusing on what others have.

The neighbor has a new fancy Mercedes, now my car isn’t good enough. My friend just got the new Gucci handbag, guess my Michael Kors isn’t that great anymore.

We all have this self-defeating talk in our heads, and mostly it’s subconscious. We can’t all be Harvard grads or professional athletes. And that’s OK.

Parents don’t always know best

I’m here to say screw what others think. Screw what others have. The only person that you really need to impress is yourself.

Everyone is running their own race. It doesn’t matter how fast or slow you’re running, but as long as you keep running. Putting one foot in front of the other.

It took me years to realize this, and I still struggle with this, but less and less over the years through self awareness and coming to terms with who I am, not defined by accomplishments.

Conclusion

Is it hard to not want a nicer car? Is it difficult to not compare myself to a successful 20 year old running a multi-million dollar business? Of course it is, but I recognize that, and say that I am running at my own pace. I’m going to get to the finish line sooner or later.

So I implore you to stop caring what others think. Stop accepting what others think you should do or who you should be.

The only person’s thoughts you should care about, is your own. Because at the end of the day when you lie on your deathbed at 70 years old, your parents will be long gone and society has moved on.

Don’t live a life that you hate just to buy things to impress people that you don’t like.

It’s not that I no longer care what my parents think or say. I love them to death. I listen and learn, but I form my own thoughts, my own opinions, and my own dreams.