Emotional Mastery: How to Control Your Emotions and Deal with Negativity
We are constantly bombarded by emotions of fear, love, grief, despair, joy, and humiliation. Sometimes it feels like we just can’t catch a break and everything is happening to us rather than for us. Some wise person said that to feel is to be human and I wholeheartedly agree, but should we let emotions control us or should we control it?
This page is dedicated to emotional mastery or rather how to control your emotions, and not let them control you. This will be regularly updated as this is both a journey for you as it is for me. You will find references that have helped me on my journey and resources I found helpful on how to deal with negativity.
Emotional mastery is something to strive for, do not be caught up in actually becoming a master. If you’re better than you were yesterday, that’s already a win. Just keep on going.
What is emotional mastery?
Emotional mastery is the process of controlling your emotions and feelings so that they don’t control you. It is not to say that you do not feel them, rather that you consciously acknowledge them, embrace them, and let them pass.
We have all experienced heated arguments with friends or loved ones, and in the heat of battle we may have said some things that we later regret. Even worse, we may still hold a grudge or even seek revenge. A wise man once said, “anger is like poisoning yourself, while hoping the other person dies.”
Acknowledge Your Monkey Mind
According to Buddhist principles, the monkey mind is your restless, confused, and unsettled mind. It’s that little voice inside your head that tells you can’t do something, hyper analyzes situations, and imagines your worst “what ifs”. Sometimes you wish that it would just shut up, but it won’t.
Some possible solutions can be grounded meditation, journaling, exercise, or music. Attempting to “quiet” the mind is key to calming that restless monkey, sitting on your right shoulder, squawking in your ear.
Related post: 5 Ways to Practice Mindfulness, Reduce Anxiety and Stress
Consider a peaceful, relaxing, and sunny day and you’re out walking in the lush park by your house. It’s filled with autumn trees, in the color of the rainbow, and the birds are chirping away. Yet, as you’re walking through this paradise, your mind is running at 100 miles per hour. You’re thinking about that argument you had with your friend and you just can’t seem to understand why she doesn’t acknowledge that you’re right and she’s wrong, and in the process you ruin your friendship because you let your ego win.
In my I Have a Big Ego post you can see the terrible effects of having a big ego and my own realization of how it has affected my relationships.
Don’t let your monkey brain win. Acknowledge it and move on, don’t let negative emotions take control of your life.
Embrace Your Emotions
To feel is to be human. We are emotional creatures and that’s how we were intended to be. I can not possibly imagine calling ourselves human without emotions coursing through our everyday actions. Although we can label some as positive or negative emotions, we must still acknowledge and embrace them wholly in order to live our lives. Do not try to avoid them!
Consequently, we must be truthful to ourselves. In my post, The Power Of Truth: The Secret to Taking Control of Your Life, I talk about how the truth can set us free. If you’re sick and tired of where you’re at in life, it’s worth checking out.
Take time to reflect on your emotions and what made you feel that way. Were they justified? Was it in the moment or do you truly feel that way?
There are 2 ways to control emotions: physically and psychologically.
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Physically control your emotions
Our bodies are made up of many hormones that affect our mood and senses. They make us feel happy, sleepy, irritable, stressed. Cortisol is linked to stress, melatonin helps us sleep, endorphins and serotonin can produce a natural high.
Knowing this we can find ways to boost our happiness naturally. Some examples are exercise and smiling, which release endorphins, triggering positive feelings in your body. Getting your daily dose of sun makes you more happy, as this study finds. A well-balanced diet also improves your overall health and improves mood.
Take inventory of your habits and see what you can do to improve your emotional state. Remember, it’s not about running a marathon or being an emotional ninja. It’s about being better than you were yesterday.
Psychology of Emotions
Your mindset also affects your emotions and mood. If you’re stuck in traffic and late to work, you may feel irritable at work or stressed since you missed an important meeting you were expected to be at. Or you had an argument with your parents on how to live your life. These things are what most of us would describe as a “bad day”. We link external circumstances to our happiness.
We tell ourselves that in order to be happy I must make 6 figures, have a happy family, no relationship problems, and no traffic to work. Well, the world doesn’t happen that way for the majority of us. By linking our happiness to these external circumstances we rob ourselves of happiness.
Take another emotion such as anger. I am angry at Bob because he forgot to send me the presentation I needed in order to prepare for tomorrow’s meeting, now I am unprepared. As a result, you do poorly and now you hold a grudge. You feel anger linked to an external circumstance – Bob not sending you the presentation – which is largely out of your control. So now, you hope that Bob feels your anger, which he probably has no clue about, or has already forgotten about, thus robbing yourself of happiness.
The list goes on and on: depression, grief, embarrassment, fear. They are usually linked to external circumstances which for a majority of the time are just out of our control. And it isn’t logical to try to control all of them. You can’t be a recluse and hide from the world so you don’t feel those negative emotions. As we learn more techniques on how to deal with our emotions we develop a thicker skin and awareness of our triggers.
Some simple and effective techniques to control your mindset is meditation, journaling, reflection, practicing gratitude, and even cold showers!
Check out this article, How to Be More Grateful here.
Meditation
Meditation is a technique to heighten your state of awareness and quiet the mind. You see monks, yogis, gurus, and even red blooded Americans doing it. Maybe it’s a fad or perhaps there’s some method to the madness. Some archaeologists claim that this started as early as 5000 BCE.
Meditation has been a personal struggle of mine. I definitely don’t do it enough, but secretly, I know that it is a key to finding inner peace and emotional mastery. The times that I successfully managed to sit down for prolonged periods of time and focus on my breathing, I was able to not only empty my mind, but find serenity. It’s an indescribable feeling. You have to try it! And don’t be afraid that you don’t feel anything the first dozen times you do it. I didn’t either.
The Path to Mastering of Emotions
Emotional mastery will not come easy, or ever in our lifetime, but it is worth trying. With time everything becomes easier. There will be a time when you won’t get bothered by waiting in traffic, running late to a meeting, or after an argument with a friend. You will develop techniques to embrace and disengage from negative emotions.
Practice is key. In order to find inner peace and at one with your emotions – because let’s face it, we won’t escape our emotions, they will always be there – we need to deal with them better.
It is important that you know you aren’t alone when you feel like punching that guy that cut you off in traffic, but it is doubly important to acknowledge those emotions and reflect on how to better ourselves. That is the key to emotional mastery.
Resources on dealing with negative emotions
Naval Ravikant’s interview with Joe Rogan on making happiness your priority. Click here.
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